eunoias | (no subject)

Hands clasped in front of him, he stared at the pencil on the table. It was almost intense enough that he could try to make it move with his mind, but it wasn't working. He wasn't the mental type and he certainly wasn't psychic.

"I don't know that this'll accomplish. It's like...I dunno what t' call it." Varon leaned forward and placed his head on his upper arm, his raised hand seemed to flick the spiky locks of his hair lazily. "What do ya want me t' say?"

"Well, they said that support groups tend to help to some varying degree." They being the psych ward and everything else. Though, she didn't go to them on an account of being in isolation for so long.

But, she sighed and decided to get her baggage out in the open. "So, this is how Esmerelda came to be. I was in an arranged marriage thanks to my father and my fiancee's name was Edmond Dantes." Notice how she used the past tense instead of present tense. "He... did not treat me right because he was the type to mentally berate me in public, tell me I'd never surmount to anything - you know, the fun stuff. But, he didn't care. I had to call him Sir Edmond Dantes, even though he wasn't officially knighted by the Queen and if I didn't, he'd slap me or tug at my hair. Even though I'd try to run away in the areas I knew were safe, he'd still be able to find me and drag me back."

She gulped, noticing that she was shaking slightly as she was recalling these series of awful memories. But, she did pause there to let Varon catch up to what she was saying.

His head lifted as he listened. His brow knitted in thought as she recalled her treatment from this guy that he would never know. Abuse like that really didn't settle well with him in the slightest, and to make matters worse, he wasn't there to stop it.

"Where's he now?" His hands reached for Resa across the table. He wasn't sure what else to do other than to take care of the problem yet something told him that was already done.

Her hands laced with his own as she took a few deep breaths to recollect herself and remain composed.

"He's... well, dead. Let me tell you more. See, one time, I was trying to remain calm and just go through the motions of life. But, apparently, I made him so mad that he dragged me back to my home and..." The next set of words were incredibly difficult. She never told anyone about this part and she wasn't sure if she wanted to.

"And... he told me to get ready for something in my room. He didn't clarify what that something was, but I... I knew that I couldn't trust him anymore. So, I went into my father's armory and took a nine millimeter gun and stashed it in my school uniform. I came back over to him and he said that he was going to 'teach this little bitch a lesson.'"

If Varon thought she was shaking before, she was definitely shaking like a leaf now, trying to hold back her tears.

"He... he tore at my clothes, slapped me, called me e-every name in t-the book and t-then some. When I-I was screaming f-for help, n-no one ever came. M-My father, the maids... no one." Her own proverbial dam broke at this, her knuckles nearly white at how hard she was grabbing at Varon's hands.

"S-So... w-when I l-looked like the fight was o-out of me... h-he... tried to rape me with h-his hands over my mouth t-to keep me from screaming. I... I punched him and shoved him off, t-then... then I broke down and Esmerelda came out and I shot him. I shot him until there were no more bullets in the gun and--" What more she could say was lost in her fitful sobs at that point.

He moved across the table to lay on his stomach to hold Resa. "Shh, it's a'right. You did what you had t' do. I'm no different, ya know."

The tightness of her grip was enough to indicate to Varon that she needed to talk it out after holding back for so many years. His own caustic memories were just as harsh if not along the same lines. Tragedy seemed to attract Doma to these individuals and Dartz could sense it, as near as Varon could tell.

"He's gone now. You don't gotta worry 'bout him any more, okay?" He was more pissed off internally about the negligence of her father that allowed this to happen in the first place. "It'll be okay." He kissed her cheek in comfort.

Resa sobbed against Varon, finally feeling the weight of what happened to her after keeping it locked up for so long. She wasn't sure if she was ever going to be okay with the severity of what happened, but maybe this was the road of recovery she should have gone on.

"A-After I snapped," she managed to get out through her tears. "I... I went to my father's office, c-covered in blood and c-confronted him there. A-All he d-did was kick me down and... and put m-me to sleep. Then, I-I woke up in B-Bridgeport and..." And the rest was history.

"Yeah...I know the rest. You don't gotta repeat it." Varon spoke softly. His hands rubbed gentle circles on her back, it was time to tell his story.

"You a'ready knew that I grew up in an orphanage in Melbourne. There was this one day, four big, mafia fuckers walked into the church an' told us we had t' get out. Said somethin' that their boss bought the land an' we had until that night t' leave."

"Well, we didn't have anywhere else t' go so I thought I'd try t' negotiate with those blokes but I couldn't find 'em. Hell, like they'd listen t' some thirteen year-old kid anyway, right? Anyway, while I was out, those same guys came back an' the church was burnin'. It sure got the attention of everyone else that didn't seem t' give a rat's ass before when we needed help." He scoffed at the thought.

"So, yeah, I found 'em, grabbed some steel pipe in the alley an' killed 'em all. I don't remember how I did it, but it was done an' off I went t' jail. It didn't end there, though." His tone grew softer.

"I was found guilty of four counts of first degree man-slaughter and premeditated murder. I had nothin' else t' live for anymore so I quit carin'. My caretaker was killed in that fire an' some of the smaller kids didn't make it out alive. You bet I made it known I was pissed."

"I was sentenced t' spend four life sentences, about a-hundred an' twenty years maximum with no chance of parole. Yeah, I was gonna be there a long time. It didn't matter anymore. I traded one hell for another an' the hits kept comin'. See, for two years before Dartz came, I fought t' stay alive. I wasn't about t' let some ass take me down if I could help it an' I certainly wasn't gonna be anyone's bitch."

"Needless t' say, me an' straightjackets became real close." And he hated them with a passion.

When Varon was explaining his past, Resa was trying to calm herself down. The rubbing helped calm her down more and she wiped at her tears with her hand. Getting that out was extremely therapeutic and she was thankful for that.

However, just as he hugged her, she hugged him back and just kept them together like that. What could she say that hadn't been said already? Ah, well... there was that.

"I'm glad I got the chance to meet you, Varon. I'm really glad."

"You're not plannin' on goin' away, are ya?" He said as he pulled back a little to look at Resa's tear stained face.

"I hope this isn't the end. I'd be lost if that's gonna happen."

"Nah. Doma is my home. You, Dartz, Raphael and Amelda are all my family."

But, if they were getting things in the open...

"There is something else I've got to tell you. Um, it involves some gross things, though."

"Oh?" He pulled back from the hug to give her some room. Still laying across the table, he rolled to the side, still holding on to her hands. "I'm okay with gross things."

She feared what his reaction to this would be, but it had to be said.

"The real reason I take so long in the bathroom is not just because of the length of my hair. It's because I still, well... scrub between my legs and my thighs until they bleed. I'm really trying to stop doing it, but it's become habit for so long."

"Whoa." Varon didn't really have the words to say as his mind searched for times where he felt pretty close to doing that himself when he was in prison after an inmate tried to fondle him in the showers his first month there that resulted in a bloody fight which left both parties battered. Varon suffered two broken ribs and a swollen jaw. The other guy suffered worse.

"The docs didn't do anything about that? Technically, you're more the victim than the perp. Fiancé or not, he had no right touchin' you like that. I think ya did right by puttin' him on a lead diet." Nothing angered Varon more than anyone, friend of foe, being violated in such ways.

Rape, molestation, pedophilia, incest, those acts meant death in prison. Even the murderers, bank robbers and drug dealers knew better than to cross that line and often killed those that performed such acts. Rapists and child molesters were on the lowest rung of the social ladder behind bars. Varon felt her pain. He understood that it would be a long, hard road for her and it showed.

"I'd say...to break the habit, maybe you can find another focus. When was the last time ya scrubbed yourself raw?" It sounded like a detached question coming from him but one that needed to be asked. "Is it every night ya did this?"

It was a secret that she kept from everyone. Even with the monitored showers, she tried to clean herself as much as possible. And, sometimes, she didn't think it was good enough because, in her mind, she was never clean. She, and her body, were tainted and that sort of problem just stayed until it manifested into something grotesque.

But, at the mention of the doctors, Resa couldn't help but laugh in a very condescending way. "They were quacks! I acted out, or Esmerelda did -- I can't remember anymore -- and after they put me in a straitjacket, one of them suggested to give me a lobotomy to discipline me. You can probably imagine how that went over." After a while, she learned that her legs could take her places. And as such, she managed to figure out how to make her escape when necessary with them.

Then again, no one dared to help her. All they did was discipline her and that resulted in more drugs to calm her down, more injections - that's why her arms were still covered with injection scars to this day and why she still used concealer on them.

"...Um, this morning. I really haven't stopped doing it for, well, years now. And... it probably shows. That's why my skirts are a bit longer than usual, so that I don't have that stuff to show."

That's another thing to fix. He visibly cringed which was something that Varon rarely ever did. He was beginning to understand more the reasons why she refused to be intimate. It was hard to listen to, hard to imagine and even more challenging to fix.

The rape, or near rape in this case, took a heavy toll on Resa and it was affecting him in a less imposing way. "Damn."

He tried to think of ways to correct the situation. Moving on past the point where something so devastating created a focal point of not getting involved meant a lifetime of loneliness to someone that needed another person the most. It was a cry for help in her case.

Varon listened. He took it to heart what was going on and it was a collision course with something unseen that could result in a split of he wasn't careful. "He's dead now, but he's still killin' ya, an' you're lettin' him do it. Are ya gonna let 'im win?"

There were quite a lot of things to fix with her. While she didn't mind being in a relationship with Varon, she knew that her baggage would hinder any sort of intimacy and being violated served nothing but pain and distrust.

"I-I'm sorry. I can stop talking about this now if you're uncomfortable with it." It was another coping mechanism - shut up and let things internalize until they boil over and be used as fuel for something else.

"I... I don't know what to do. I've tried to love who I am, but all I hear is how much of a fuck up I am even if I do try, so that makes me hate myself even more. I've tried to forget him, but I have really vivid and haunting nightmares to the point of where I'm screaming and tossing in bed and wake up in a cold sweat. I... I know I'm fucked up. I know that. It's...it's why I'm not open with this sort of stuff because I don't want to be rejected by those I trust." Finally, she was getting things out into the open and it was a long time coming. Problem was was that she didn't know what his reaction to all of her baggage and weight would be.

"No, keep talkin'. If it's helpin' ya, it's better t' get it out. It's cancerous keepin' that stuff bottled up. Sure, it shocked the hell outta me, but this isn't about me." Varon said with his hands on Resa's hands in comfort.

The part of him that underwent training to listen to confessions and keep things confidential screamed that he listen. She needed him to listen and his heart felt that if he could be there just for her, she could move on properly.

Well, when he put it like that, she knew she could tell him more about what went on. After all, the only one who knew anything about this was Dartz and that was just the basics.

"All right. Well, um..." What more could she say that she hadn't already gotten out into the open? Her thumbs rubbed over Varon's own as she tried to think of something - anything - to discuss about.

"I'm sorry. I'm not too good at this, am I?"

"It's a'right. It takes time." Their intertwined hands made him glance at them as she rubbed her thumbs over his.

"I'm not goin' anywhere." He kept his voice low and kept close just in case anyone had walked in on them in the conference room.

"Thank you for that." If people just stayed with her instead of running away or saying that it was all in her head, she would be much happier.

"Another thing is that, well, even if I don't have pleasant memories of my father, I have my mum somewhere. She got fed up with my father, though, and divorced him when I was three. I don't know how it happened, but my father won custody of me and that's when my life went belly up. I dunno where she is, but I hope she's found someone to treat her right."

"Maybe we can find your mum an' you two can get caught up." Varon knew the importance of family and if it meant for her to heal, he would gladly take the heat for her to reconnect with her.

"Let's do that when we get the chance."

"You...think we could?" For the first time in a while, Resa looked like she had hope and a little faith.

"Why the hell not? I found mine an' I had much less t' go on than you. At least you knew yours. Shouldn't be hard t' track a few records." Varon spoke confidently.

This hope raised Varon's spirits to at least try. If he could find her mother, the chances to repair her damaged life would be far greater if he didn't try at all. He wasn't turning away.

The fact that Varon wasn't going to turn away from her, even though she divulged her past and everything else meant the world to her. He believed her. He didn't judge her for what happened and now this? This was just the icing on the cake.

She couldn't help but take him into a strong hug and smile happily. "All right! I - wow, thank you! This... I don't know what to say."

"Thank me when we actually get it done." He wrapped his arms around her. Her happiness meant a lot to him since finding it himself was a still marked endeavor that he still had a long way to go.

"Well, it's true. I...really haven't been listened to to this degree before, so it's really new." She didn't want to leave from the hug right now. In this moment, everything was perfect in the world and that was how she wanted it all to stay.

"I've been there." Varon didn't want to leave her embrace. He felt comfortable even though there was a height difference between them. It didn't really bother him at all.

"All it takes is a few minutes t' listen. Some people don't even care that much. Guess that's why the world is such a messed up place."

"Guess you've had the comments, 'oh, it's all in your head!', 'what do you know? You're just a kid! You don't know any better!', too, huh?" That kind of familiarity helped her relax more around Varon and it showed with how comfortable she was being close to him.

"And, that's why we're gonna fix it, so that no one else has to suffer like we did."

"Yeah. The most common one, You're too small. You can't do that. Showed 'em I can kick their ass, I did." He was certainly familiar with what she said and everything that he did was often underestimated. He hated that more than anything.

"Bully for you. Until recently, I've never been much to take initiative and do things for myself. Guess that all changed when I met you." Being a doormat never got her anywhere fast and all it did was prove that she didn't care what happened to her.

"Yeah an' he got it comin' in a minute. Sent 'em packin' with dingos later on which really got me in more trouble than it's worth."

He took Resa by the hand and slid off the table to a seat next to her. It was better this way than laying on the table since his elbows ere starting to get a little numb.

"Too right." See, she could use his own slang against him. "It was all but a matter of time, eh?"

She took his hand into her own and helped him get off the table safely. She had a feeling that the table wasn't entirely too comfy to lay on in the first place.

"Yeah, guess it was." Sitting now next to her, he swiveled the chair to face her. He kept his voice low and personal.

"If it comes out that we can't find her, we'll give it our best. I promise, I'll do what I can t' locate her. It won't be easy, but you need t' see her."

"Hopefully she's done well for herself. I can't imagine that she was happy with my father, the fat good for nothing oaf that he was."

For emphasis, Resa kicked the table a bit. If she ever found out that her father made her mother's life a living hell, there would be consequences.

"Don't worry about that right now until we know the truth." Understanding her reasons helped him come up with the answers.

"I'm sure she'll tell ya when you meet her. She'll probably wanna catch up with ya first."

"All right." Sometimes, she needed someone to get her back to normalcy - or as normal as she was ever going to get.

"But... it would be awesome to get back in touch with her. I really do hope that she's happy."

"Yeah, it would. It would be good for ya both, I think. No mother wants t' forget their child. I'm sure she misses ya. Whatever happens, I'll be there with ya."

"Too right. She'd probably appreciate it, too, and see what kind of success her own flesh and blood has become." It was hard for her to think on the positive side of things, but she was trying her hardest.

In his seat, he leaned forward to brush a strand of hair from her face. "It'll be fine. Ya don't gotta change it over night. That's unreasonable. Take small steps. The rest'll come later."

Her eyesight directed up to where his fingers were before she smiled. "Just... be with me and I'm sure the rest is gonna follow. Hopefully."